Cyanide & Happiness – Freakpocalypse – 100% Achievement Guide

A guide to help people with some of the achievements they may need or may be missing.

Story Related Achievements

All credit goes to Streetbackguy!

These achievements are gained through progressing the story and can’t be missed, apart from Distraction With Action and Distraction With Attraction.

  • Participation Award
  • Not So Permanent After All
  • Hurt Me More
  • Locker Blocker
  • Hoochaholic

Distraction With Action

Remember to SAVE before going into the Faculty Offices so you can reload and get Distraction With Attraction. When talking to Starsky and Hutch, choose the “You guys should honestly just get over it” option.

Distraction With Attraction

Remember to SAVE before going into the Faculty Offices so you can reload and get Distraction With Attraction. When talking to Starsky and Hutch, choose the “You obviously hate each other. Why do you even hang out?” option.

  • Guerilla Marketer
  • Rope-A-Dope
  • About Damn Time
  • Ready For Rod
  • Printer Pal
  • My Girl
  • Hobo Habitat
  • Operation Intrude n313
  • Send Nudes
  • Juvenile Delinquent
  • Mission Permission
  • The Most Beautiful Thing I’ve Ever Seen
  • Look Ma, I Can Fly!
  • Blue Shirted Eye Grabber
  • Mission Impassable
  • Eye For Detail
  • A Long Road Ahead

Side Chores Achievements

Huff The Magic Dragon

Scarred For Life

Talk to the sad looking guy to the right of the Faculty Offices and choose the “So, where exactly in the school would one ‘score’ the good sniff” option. Once you can exit the school by returning the missing library book, go out the front entrance and on the left side of the screen is a man with a scar leaning on a tree.

Talk to him to learn he wants Scar Cream. Head into the school and go to the Nurses Office to talk to the Nurse. Select the “Down there… uh, it’s kind of private” option to get the Scar Cream. Exit the school again to give the Scar Cream to the scarred man and get the Mark-Tech Marker. Re-enter the school and give the Mark-Tech Marker to Mark Huffington.

Marriage Counselor

Start this Side Chore by talking to the Janitor in the school cafeteria and choosing “Will you go to prom with me?”. Once you get to leave school, enter Le Telepathe next door to Rod’s Thick Pizza and walk to the right, over by the kitchen door. Pick up the scrunched up ball of paper on the floor and use it on the rotating order display.

Once you leave Le Telepathe the Janitor will be standing outside. Talk to him to finish this Side Chore.

Third Wheel

Talk to Crystal in the girls bathroom in the school. She wants to go to prom with a boy named Jake but hasn’t received her love letter back. Go to the Cafeteria and all the way to the right looking very ill is Jake. The table nearest to him has a Quarter on it, grab it (it’s on the bottom-right corner of the table, easy to miss) and use that Quarter on Vince, who is blocking the Vending Machine to the left. You’ll get Anchovy chips, which you’ll want to use on Jake.

Once he is done throwing up, grab the piece of paper in the pool of vomit and use it on Jake. Bring the signed love letter back to Crystal in the girls bathroom to complete this chore.

Don’t Slurp That

This achievement may be bugged. Talk to Jimmy Hatt underneath the gas station sign on your street and ask how you can help him. He will give you $1.14 to get him condoms from the Circle J store opposite. Enter Circle J and grab the Condoms off of the ‘Toiletries’ shelf (it’s the yellow packet with Midas written on it). Once you have them, to the right grab a cup from the cup dispenser and use that cup on the Super Slurper machine to get a Super Slurper. Combine the Condoms with the Super Slurper to hide them. Then use the Super Slurper on Curtis, the store clerk, to pay for it.

Exit the store and use the Super Slurper on Jimmy Hatt to finish this chore.

Chick’n Coop

Talk to Chickenman Jones outside of Rod’s Thick Pizza and ask how you can acquire a costume like his. You will recieve a customers order which you need to deliver. Go up to the residential street area and go to the house with the man rocking back and forth on his porch (two houses across from Circle J). Enter his house yard and talk to him.

The first dialogue choice you can choose either. From then on, choose the top choice twice then the bottom one and the final choice doesn’t matter. Once you’re done talking, head back to Chickenman Jones and give him the Signed Credit Card Receipt to finish this chore.

Blue Brailles

Talk to the blind man standing to the right of the Ice Cream Truck and ask if you can help with anything to start this side chore. This one is really easy, travel to the residential street and in the Circle J grounds you will see a Pink magazine on the floor. Pick it up and bring it back to the blind man. You’ll automatically get a Stamp from when the mailman gets mauled by the guide dog.

Puny Express

In the Retirement Home in the lounge area is an elderly lady sitting at a table. Talk to her and ask how you can help to start this chore. Once accepted, go the the reception area of the Retirement Home and use the Red Button on the deceased man. This will bring out the Nurse so you can go into her office. Go into the nurses office in the dining area and use the Purse on the wall to get a letter. Combine the Letter with the Stamp you received from the Blue Brailles side chore. Go outside the Retirement Home and use the Stamped Letter on the mailbox to send it. Go back inside and talk to the lady again to finish this chore.

The World Can Wait

Complete all the side chores to unlock this.

Collectables Achievements

For all your completionist needs.

Gotta Got ‘Em All

Project Runway

Desperate Times

I have gone around and found the following people you are able to ask to prom and their locations:

  • Janitor in Cafeteria
  • Lunchlady in Cafeteria
  • Chef in Cafeteria Kitchen
  • Marker Huffer in Main Hallway
  • Mr Murphy in Class 101
  • Crystal in Girls Bathroom
  • School Nurse in Nurses Office
  • Artist in Side Hallway
  • Max in Shop Class
  • Ms Puffs in Teachers Lounge
  • Ed Spresso in Teachers Lounge
  • Starsky and Hutch in Faculty Offices BEFORE distracting Patty
  • Winston in Boys Locker Room
  • Tanner in Boys Locker Room
  • Hayden in Boys Locker Room
  • Janitor’s Ex-Wife in Le Telepathe
  • Shark Dad in House next door to Coop
  • Warren Wonderwall outside School Entrance to the right
  • Vince in Cafeteria
  • Curt in Circle J
  • Ted Bear in Green Locker Hallway
  • Alvin in Retirement Home Lounge Area
  • Orson in Retirement Lounge Reception
  • Ethel in Retirement Home Dining Area
  • Lemon Abe on Main Street

Misc. Achievements

These achievements you can get at almost any point, so no need to worry!

Get To Know Shark Dad

Shark Dad is Coop’s next door neighbour, you can see him standing in front of his house. Simply go up to him and talk to him, then select “Out of curiosity… where are you from?”.

Pummeling Puffs

For this you will need to go into the teachers lounge and open the fridge. There will be a bagged lunch in there with a sticker on it. Take the sticker off and go to the faculty offices where Patty Puffs is and use the sticker on her to get this achievement.

You don’t have to go back to the teachers lounge to watch the fight, but it’s fun to watch.

Creepy peeper Boy

You need to have completed the Love Note side chore before you can do this.

Equip the Towel costume you got from Crystal and go to the Gym in the school and enter the girls locker room on the left.

Die Of Boredom

Literally stand still in one spot for 20 minutes without clicking on anything. You can’t click out of the game window either as the timer will pause, best go and do something else whilst this goes on.

Burned By Bernie

During the mission to access the Retirement Home, you’ll get covered in prune juice. Once you regain control of Coop, go to the right and enter the door with “Thurman” on it. Keep talking to Bernie and it will eventually pop. It might take a while as it’s random which insult he’ll use each time.

Locker Stalker

There are two hallways full of lockers in the school. Simply to and interact with any locker and navigate through them all with the left and right arrows on screen. Once you have done one hallway, move to the next a couple screens away.


There are two locations Ted Bear can be found: The school and behind the retirement home.

In the school, go to the green locker hallway and interact with the one locker on the right side which doesn’t have a number on it. At the back of the retirement home, simply interact with the left side of the dumpster.

Your Lemons Suck

Outside of the retirement home and Rod’s Thick Pizza is a stand that sells “Lemonade type drinks”. Talk to Lemon Abe and select “One glass please!” then “Ooh, I’m in! One… uh… pre-ordered glass of lemonade, please.” for this achievement.

Jeremiah 29:12

In the retirement home, enter the right-most door in the bedroom hallway. Talk to the praying Magdalene and select “Fine, uh, I command thee to do my bidding!”.

A Bushy Tale

In the retirement home, go outside to the centre garden and go to the top-right of the garden. Talk to the bush here three times to hear it’s story and unlock this achievement.

Lost Prophet 

There are three pictures of Jesus you need to find for this. One is in the upstairs hallway of Coop’s house whilst the other two are in Magdalene’s room in the retirement home.

Back In My Day

In the retirement home, there are three bedroom doors. Enter the left-most door and choose to speak with the man on the bed three times to hear all of his stories.

Chill Out

In the main street is an ice cream truck. talk to the truck driver standing in front of it ten times to learn about all sorts of wonderful flavours.

Judge A Book By Its Cover

Go to the school library and on the right side will be bookshelves that you can interact with. Keep selecting to use them and after thirty times interacting with them, this will pop. If you run out of interactions on one bookshelf, you can move to the next one over.


This achievement may be bugged. In the principles office in a filing cabinet which you can interact with. Do so and scroll through all of the records in there for this achievement.

Speed Demon

This achievement may be bugged. Otherwise known as “The Speedrunners Delight” achievement. Go through very fast. Better off doing once you’ve done the game once so you know where everything is, and remember to never save whilst trying for this.

Every Town Has An Elm Street

The glove will be found in the furnace room of the school (how fitting) on the right hand side, above where you got the Janitor’s keys. Take it for the achievement to pop.

Freaky Flasher

Go to the upstairs bathroom in Coop’s house and interact with the bathtub to get the Nude Coop costume. Switch to that and play the game for 10 minutes for it to pop.

Coming Clean

After you complete the Love Connection side chore, you will recieve two costume pieces (a towel hat and towel body piece). Wear those two items of clothing then go to the Gymnasium. Inside the Gymnasium, go to the left and you can now enter the girls locker room.

Enter and talk to the person in the showers at the left end of the locker room, and wouldn’t you know it, it’s Senor Cleanfist! Enjoy your achievement!

Volodymyr Azimoff
About Volodymyr Azimoff 13931 Articles
I love games and I live games. Video games are my passion, my hobby and my job. My experience with games started back in 1994 with the Metal Mutant game on ZX Spectrum computer. And since then, I’ve been playing on anything from consoles, to mobile devices. My first official job in the game industry started back in 2005, and I'm still doing what I love to do.

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