How to make communism work.
Guide to Create a Highly Functional Soviet Republic
Setting up the Basics of a Functional Republic
Welcome to Workers and Resources, mi camarade. A las barricadas, eat the rich, et cetera and et cetera. So you want to create socialism, and unlike all those other socialist states that weren’t socialism for realsies, your brand of socialism bears the Marx seal of approval and really works in practice. That’s great, but it doesn’t mean much if you can’t get the basics of any society down pat.
Obviously, your first step is going to be houses. The best sort of house is the big sort of house.
- There’s this mod collection called USSR 2050, you’re going to need the big apartment building from it.
Once you’ve got this mod in, you need to build one of these day one. After all, a crucial mark of communist success is “number of people shoved into one building”, and also you’re running the USSR 2.0 so money is a capitalist myth designed to sell more wallets and you can just ignore it.
Next, you need to give these people jobs. My Republican neighbor screams about the immigrants stealing those all the time, so I’m pretty sure they’re important or something. I don’t know, I sure as hell don’t have one. You’ll want jobs that contribute to the future destruction of America under a wave of Kirov airships, and an army marches on their stomach. This means you’ll want fields with crops. As true pumpkin-spice-coffee socialists, we need to respect the Earth and acknowledge that humans are the real virus, so don’t buy farm equipment and instead move the crops by horse.
Now, we need to process those crops into a processed form. There’s one essential form of processing, of course, to get the sheer amount of sustenance you’ll need. Additionally, if I’ve learned anything from playing chess on Cool Math Games and losing, it’s that you need to accomplish multiple things with one move. This move feeds your people and also gets them drunk. That’s right, you build a distillery next.
“But wait, tosarevich, shouldn’t we be building food factories?” you may be saying. But the answer is no, because alcohol has calories in it. As everyone knows, you can just endlessly consume a single variety of food with no health issues as long as it has enough calories. According to Google, a bottle of Bud Lite has 110 calories and a human needs around 2250 calories daily, so that’s just 20 and a half bottles of Bud Lite a day per person. That sounds pretty manageable, so let’s move on.
How to Destroy the Kulaks
On some maps, there will be pre-existing human beings. This is a problem, as they have things like “personal property” and “the expectation of basic human dignity”. The only way to get that out of them is to work it out of them.
First, find a barren hellscape somewhere on the map. Put another apartment there, and then just banish all living people there. Don’t give them jobs or food or anything. This is kind of like putting an arachnophobe in a room with a spider. They’ll lie on the floor having a seizure with fear for a bit, but eventually they’re gain a painful and traumatic acceptance of their situation. Make sure to use a tarantula or something with that, poisonous spiders don’t work as well.
Anyways, that’s what you’re doing with the previous residents (henceforth kulaks for simplicity). The kulaks are merely adapting to the socialist conditions of starvation and joblessness, which the starving jobless guy who lives in a trailer down the street assures me is crucial and exclusive to Communism.
Are you playing Soviet Anthem Earrape on full blast? If at any point your neighbors have had a break from that, or God Lenin forbid you forgot to play it, you’re going to have to restart from the beginning. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
So now that your kulaks are starving and jobless and fully immersed in the Soviet Experience(tm), you can move them into Apartment Building 1. If it doesn’t have space, just build a third apartment. Do you still have money? If not, sell your entire Bud Lite supply. Starvation is gay, just tell your people to get over it. While your former kulaks are now starving, import more kulaks into Apartment 2 to establish consistent population growth. Thus you will have a consistent stream of kulaks destroyed with starvation and trauma, a requirement for any solid socialist state according to our lord and savior Shen Babibo.
Inflating your Currency until the End of Time
Back it by oil. Oil in this game is practically infinite, and as the value of money is based on the amount of the thing it’s backed by this means your money will be worth ♥♥♥ all. Then just print more of it. Print money like the US government whenever Delta loses two of its three passengers and is threatening to bring 80% of the economy down with it. Need more money, print more money. There’s no possible way it can go wrong. Weimar, shmeimar. Inflating your currency is one of the most essential rules of a socialist economy.
For more information, google Rule 34 Inflation.
Do it coward.
Why Are My People Burning Things Down Help
So you’ve made Literally 1984. Your people are now drunk as hell and really ♥♥♥ tired of Bud Lite. Your kulaks have broken out of Apartment 2 and are searching for food. How do you suppress those people? Well it’s time to hit the books, because those have a wide variety of dystopias to best oppress your people. Make like the Soviet Union and beat the ♥♥♥ out of your little Hungarian subjects. Here’s some great dystopia novels and an overview of what you should take from them:
Brave New World
Give your people sex. Also, sell lots of TVs and stuff. You’ve already got drugs with the Bud Lite, so you’re halfway there!
Ban Trump from Twitter. No, I haven’t read the book, how could you tell?
Turn your most loyal citizens into g l u e.
Threaten your people by murdering their teenage children. May suffer from being overthrown by a love triangle and spawning a whole genre’s worth of low-quality young adult novels.
If all else fails, just send in your police to beat the protesters to death! It’s easy, just look at how great it worked last year!
Wait, what do you mean “police are being added next update”?
Who’s keeping the rebels out of the presidential palace, then?
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