A completely honest and accurate description of each of the classes found within Synthetik, and how to tell which one is for you.
Description of All Classes
Guardians: Low IQ Crack Fiends
Does the idea of being an unstoppable tank made of pure manliness, top of the line military gear and copious amount of opiate usage sound appealing to you? Is doing nothing but simply walking around like the equivalent of an eighty year old man that weights over 500 pounds while constantly shooting up drugs to avoid your death your idea of the height of human performance? Then boy oh boy, do I have the class for you.
Riot Guard is basically your average American high school football player. Tanky, likes to slam into ♥♥♥ and definitely loves to abuse his fair share of substances to make sure he can slam into ♥♥♥ better and for longer.
Not only will you walk through a volley of bullet fire, incoming mortar fire and whatever the hell those floating robot balls spew from themselves completely unscathed, but you end all those that contest you. By shooting your gun? No, the standard Riot Guard player lacks the brain capacity for that. Instead, they will slam into ♥♥♥ with their riot shield and somehow still perform better than your average assassin in multiplayer.
Does walking around like a slow fat ♥♥♥ lard that’s capable of nothing but tanking shots sound awful to you, but you still want access to drugs?]. Well, incidentally my friend, you happen to be in luck. Instead of shooting methadone to numb the pain, you use methadone to numb the severe amount of psychological amount of trauma about to be inflicted upon yourself through the sheer atrocities you’ll commit.
Running around near the speed of light, shooting hot lead as you dash around from cover to cover, making use of a variety of explosives as you watch the robotic little bastards get blown to pieces, moaning in pain as they cry out for their creator, nearly blowing yourself up in the process yet living on due to god given grace of methadone bestowed upon you. Truly, it is without a doubt, the true crack fiend experience.
Basically, the point is, if being a futuristic android space jihadist doped up on a significant amount of substances sounds even remotely interesting to you, then I’d recommend you at least try out breacher once.
Rogues: Weebs and Neckbeards
Do you like money? Do you enjoy the satisfying *ping* made when a bullet makes contact with a metallic head only to hear the near-♥♥♥ic thud of a body dropping against the floor, watching as oil and various other machine bits leak out from where artificial life once stood?
Well, if that’s the case you goddamn psycho, then do I have the class for you.
Not only will you be making money shot after money shot with the Sniper, landing consecutive headshots from afar with most enemies simply accepting their faith, their intelligence not smart enough to realize that you could have hid behind a wall after taking a shot, but you will also be making money. As each headshot you attempt lands, your cash will begin to rack up ever so slowly, reaching a point where your entire fortune has been built off of the misfortune and misery of other non-organic beings.
Every single goddamn robot will face a moment of sheer dread as they realize a laser has been illuminating their skin, only to see your sickening little grin as you pull the trigger, knowing damn well that your ceasing of this poor little robot’s life is only a means to an end. A means towards getting more money, so that you can buy things to allow you to kill things far quicker, far better and far more easily.
Do you wear nothing but black in real life? Do you make edgy “enlightened” jokes about politics that have been repeated incessantly since four years prior? Are you an acne riddled teenager with no actual real life friends, and has instead transitioned his entire social life to Discord?
Well, that sucks, because that means you’re not pathetic enough to play assassin.
Assassins truly are the lowest of the low, cowering and luring enemies towards their friends as they hide in the shadows, claiming that they’ve got a master strategy that’ll wipe out all of the enemies present on the map. Not only do you lack the damage from your sniper counterpart as they finish up headshot after headshot, and lack the mobility of your cousin breacher and lack the ability to go on a purely unhindred melee killing spree like your raider friend, but you have only one thing to make up for it.
A “Get out of Jail” free card.
Like the little ♥♥♥ that assassins are, their one saving grace is the ability for them to turn invisible and get out of and escape from any dangerous situations they find themselves in, just like how they’ve managed to get out of any real world responsibilities as they slowly descend into a kissless, perma-virgin neet life.
Commandos: The Dichotomy of Men
Are you an anxiety riddled mess with severe ADHD and a strong propensity towards violence? Then, not only will you be strongly suited for a raider main, but with enough time, you will learn that this entire time, you have been raider.
Severe suicidal tendencies?
Rewarded if you’re good enough, because who needs a gun when you’ve got a knife and a couple of dog tags.
Inability to focus or pay attention for a prolonged amount of time?
Don’t worry, you won’t need to focus when the only thing you need to remember is that you need to kill. Does it matter whether you’re safe or not throughout the entire process? Of course not, just make sure that everybody else is dead long before you are.
Don’t worry about that either, not only will your rampant bloodlust ensure that you won’t need to interact with anyone, but your unparalleled speed and mobility will allow you to dodge any and all responsibilities and trivially stressful interactions at breakneck speeds, with barely a modicum of effort.
Raider almost certainly isn’t for everyone, but the moment that you realize it’s for you, you’ll instantly become hooked.
Do you enjoy being completely unremarkable? Do you find it fun to take the “normal” route in life as opposed to more unconventional means? Do you find yourself conforming and intentionally hindering yourself just so that you don’t stand out?
Well, in that case you goddamn doormat, play Heavy Gunner.
And that’s all I’ve got to say really. It ain’t that interesting besides having a giant “♥♥♥-off” gun and happening to be decently tanky, but you might as well just switch over to riot guard and shoot up some opiates while having big guns at the same time.
Specialists: The Mentally Unhinged.
Is the sheer monotony of life getting to you? Do you find every single part of life to be boring, a mere chore, something to get over with and not something to experience, relish and enjoy?
Well, perhaps, you just need a little dose of insanity. Because that’s what engineer is. Pure, unfiltered insanity. You might be inferior to everybody else, but after a decent amount of taking insanely risky choices and managing to come out on top, you will reign supreme. There is no such thing as one pure defined playstyle as engineer.
Instead, you must simply adapt to your given environment and hope that you’re quick enough on your feet. You will constantly be dealt a terrible hand, and the only way to succeed as engineer is to double down each time, hoping to the RNG Gods that somehow you won’t be crushed like the vermin you are.
You will almost certainly have a terrible start as Engineer, and you will be inferior to everybody else at the beginning. But, there’s potential. And the moment you begin to exploit that potential with the help of a little bit of luck, you will no longer need to depend upon the RNG Gods for success, because you will ascend to something beyond godhood.
I’m like five levels into this class, the only thing I can really say is that it’s like playing the Viet Cong.