Fastest way through the game (as far as I can tell). Will give basic instructions on where/when to do things, but will not go over things you are assumed to know (like how to pick things up or where specifically things are).
First off, you have a super long un-skippable (as far as I know?) cutscene.
The instant Joey is playable, spam clicks on top of her towards the tap shoes. Once you get them, go get the keys from the pregnant doge, and the walkie talkie.
The closet is visible and on the very left of the screen when you enter the next room. Open it, challenge Simon Says. Don't play the game! Simply clicking on the green button is enough (since that's the trigger to end the scene).
Go to the drawer, then unlock and write immediately in the diary. Spam clicks over the arrow so the instant the dialogue is over, you can leave.
Go to the next screen and use the walkie talkie to talk to Jude (SPAAAAM). The first option of dialogue is usually the shortest and it's easiest to spam. (I'll go through and see exactly which ones are shortest later.)
Head immediately to the hall closet and tap that box down! After collecting the loot, spam through dialogue (choice 1) and head to the attic.
After checking the door and spamming more dialogue (choiceless), go straight to the kitchen. (Be careful of spamming clicks towards the door/choice buttons!) (Clicking elsewhere after clicking action buttons will cancel the choices and simply move you.)
Hit the stereo and get those batteries, then hit the spices and equip the batteries in any order. Head towards the basement, tap the boxes, and flip the switch! (Quick, before the cutscene starts, you can still move! Move towards the right and save time.)
(Note: during strife, you can click on items the instant the last dialogue STARTS to fade.) Just tap and ballet out of there, and head to the trophy room. (Always ignore chatterbox Jude.) Treat x 3, spam through level-up dialogue, and pull the antlers. (The next two lines may not apply. Your position may be reset when you swap to Jude.) Once again, you can move before the dialogue starts. Move towards the door. You can move towards the door some more once the dialogue ends, but beware! If you're spamming through dialogue too fast, you may end up moving away from the door!
Now you'll be Jude. Head straight to the flare bullets (since you're there). Then grab the marbles and bag and send those pigeons a flyin'! Remember to click towards the pigeons so you can select the marbles in the meantime.
Now Joey, head into the Kitchen and strife! Tap, flash, spice! This time, you have to wait for reactions to end to select items. Then get the cracker and feed birb. (Cutscenes long, anybody know if you can skip??) Head back to the trophy room, do the thing, get the key, get out!
STRIFE! Spam any item or monster, then swap to Jude ASAP! Grab/equip flare gun (which is right there :3), and shoot the house. Swap to Joey, flashlight, swap back, shoot, swap, flash, swap, shoot. You can swap to Jude earlier than you might think! Spam where his face is when you're swapping.
Rush to the attic! Use key on door! Just as you walk in, spam towards the right so you'll move while you spam through dialogue. Rush to the portal! Use the key on center of portal and cutscenes are looong.
NOTE! You must spam in the dialogue, and click on the options when they appear. Be skillful!
First of all... Right when you pick up the tablet, immediately click on the paper! That skips the second dialogue with the troll about the paper, if you're quick. Use top answer.
Do the serpent (luck and execution-based). Watch a cutscene!
Answer the dude (any answer), spam! Spam the place right behind you right as the screen fades. After four checks of the quick pile behind you, talk to him again. Spam! (Top option).
Now you're the dude Xafros. Open the package, go inside. Bend the spoon with your mind, walk towards your computer (it adds itself to your inventory). Get your computer/mic, spam (bottom option), and leave. Go into the sports room, spoon the cue, and leave again. Head downstairs, go left, get the fridge soda, get the guide as you leave. (Soda first so you can move while you select the item without standing still). Go to sports room, play the safe game with your mind.
Be careful! If you pick up the snacks too fast you can't pick them up, and have to re-enter the room. Wait until the dialogue stating you can now give your lusus food to pass. THEN grab the snacks! After grabbing the snacks carefully, go feed them to your lusus, and spam submit. After sloth moves, then you can go outside! Pick up the box, spam and it doesn't matter what option you choose. Cutscene!
Spam while the cutscene is ending so you can spam right as you get into it! (no idea which options) Crawl into that vent and cutscene! Spam, option doesn't matter. Pick up the book on your way to hack the door. Spam more!
Do the serpent puzzle the second time immediately! More luck/execution! Just be sure you know which letters spell Grubbles! ;) CUTSCEEEEEENE!
Spam dialogue, get the bowl, get the milk while the bowl takes its time getting to your inventory. Use the bowl of milk on the door! CUUUTSCEEEENE!
Up the stairs, grab the hoverpad, spam, vet kit, and move the rubble with the hoverpad. (Moving rubble with the hoverpad can be done from far away, don't bother moving towards it.) Spam (top option so you don't have to hit different options).
Descend, go right on through, use the book and vet kit on the lusus. Name it. RIDE THE LUSUS! SPAM! Bottom option? CUTSCENES CUUUTSCEEEEEEEENES!!! SPAM SOME MORE! Use the hoverpad on the rocks and YOU'RE DONE!